My long weekend

So, I decided to go visit my aunt in Phoenix this past weekend. (She's the sister of my 'second' dad, not my pops. Pop's sister lives out east. I need to visit there soon as well) Its been a pretty hectic last few weeks and I thought a little R&R in the sun would be a welcome opportunity to recharge the ole batteries. So I told my aunt and her roommate that they didn't have to worry about entertaining me, I was just going to sit back and relax on their beautiful patio. They live in Sun City West, a retirement community a little north and a little west of Phoenix.

I left early Friday morning and arrived in AZ at about 9AM local time. ( I skipped thru the security at DIA with minimal mauling and groping, although, I think, the guy with the wand owes me a dinner) Sky Harbor is a fairly decent airport and since I travel way light, I had no problems getting my gear and getting out of the building (Do you remember a time when 'way' wasn't an acceptable adverb? I can only assume such a time exists but, really, that is, like, way too far in the past to think about).

Once outside I looked for the rental car bus (This is the bus that takes you to the place from which you rented your car; fyi). I quickly spotted the bus just as it was leaving the stop and, assuming another would be along forthwith, I ambled out to the spot it had just vacated and prepared to wait. Prepared for a short wait. Fully expecting a wait opposite of long. A wait, when compared to an exceptionally long wait, would be, you know, lacking in the requisite longness of the long wait; ergo hence and thereby thusly consequently-ly declared an anti-long wait; aka a short wait. You dig?

At any rate, and this may come as a complete surprise to you, my wait wasn't at all short. After waiting what must have been 2 or 3 days (later, I discovered that I had, in fact, only waited about 7 or 8 minutes. Apparently, I have to work on my patience. .. But not my patients, as I'm not a doctor and I'm sure any patients I work on would be quite put out when they discovered that, while I did attend school for seven years, it was more due to a lack of study then for the gain thereof) I walked toward the cabby stand to inquire when to expect the next rental bus. The cabby stand is where this airport person lurks and directs unsuspecting indiviuals to an insiduously awaiting taxi. When I arrived in the vicinity of the cabby stand and its nefarious occupant, I was asked if I needed a cab. After giving him my best 'what the heck are you talking about' look I calmy said, 'No, you bleeding idiot, can't you see I'm waiting for the bloody bus to take me to my blue blazing bloody bleeding rental?' Which, for you uneducated and unwashed masses, translates to 'Um, no thanks buddy. I'm just wondering if that rental car bus is ever coming back' in the greater metropolitan Phoenix area.

The cabby nodded sagely. The cabby looked over my shoulder (we were facing one another. In modern civilization the proper way to communicate is via arcane finger wagging, inarticulate shouting and frenzied fist waving, however, since I am taking a vacation, minimal as it may be, I decided that being civilized was asking too much, so we were instead, facing eachother and talking in a nonthreatening manner. I know, its bizzare, but try to restrain your amazement) and said, 'What, that bus?'. To which I turned and said, 'Yes, that one. The one that says 'RENTAL CAR SHUTTLE' in huge letters'. To which he responded, 'you can't ride those on this side, you have to go to the other side of the building. They only drop off on this side.'

Of course. I mean, its so obvious. Why would they pick up anyone on this side of the terminal. This side has all the tell tale signs of a drop off side. The buses, you know, driving by stopping occasionally, opening doors, closing doors. Driving off. I guess the fact that no one was getting off of the buses is what threw me. What was I thinking? I calmly replied to the nice cab pimp, 'What a fargin jagoff flipping blue faced farcical airport you have here, pal' to which he replied, with a fair sized smile, 'why thank you sir, you enjoy your trip.'

Well, I never! Can you imagine? Of all the things you could say to a traveler, that has got to be the single most obnoxious thing ever! So, I smiled in return and ambled back into the terminal and out the other side. And low, a shaft of dazzling light didst descend from the heavens and transfix me in its glare, which is probably why I tripped over that old lady's walker (There seems to be a surplus of older type humans in the greater metropolitan Phoenix area, so it really isn't quite out of the ordinary to stumble over them every once in a while) (Ok, I made that last bit up. The part about tripping over the walker, not the part about the excess old people. We all know I couldn't possibly trip, being a stud and all, but I did boot her tiny little parmaranian nearly across all four lanes of traffic. But that wasn't an accident) .

When I finally made it (I just wanted to touch back with you and let you know that , no, I didn't really fall over a lady's walker nor did I boot her stupid dog across half of Phoenix. You looked a little worried and I just wanted you to know that I was joking. Ha ha) to the proper bus stop, the driver immediately asked me how I was doing while reaching for my bag. (Ah, yes, luggage. Let me give you my quick philosophical treatsy upon luggage: Hate it. Avoid it whenever possible) You see, when flying now a days, you are allowed to bring upon the plane a hankerchief sized bag or briefcase or knapsack or pot of pigs feet. I myself, chose to forgo the pigs feet this trip and instead opted for the small bag. It may be a small bag, but its my bag and I was a little alarmed as to why my bag was the target of said bus driver's reach. So, I said, 'I'd be doing much better if I knew why you were reaching for my bag there, Ralphie boy.' (Ah, the Honeymooners. Can you believe what crap old people used to watch when they were our age?) This of course translated to 'Hello. How are you? Get the fargin flip nickle away from my bloody bag ya crazy bastiche' (Ok, that last part may have been lost in translation as my bag was whipped away from my clutching fingers and gently, almost reverently placed inside the bus on one of those handy luggage racks you see springing up on airport buses now a days. Not sure how that happens, but I'm not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Did that once and horse breath isn't at all flattering)

Sensing that the strange fellow meant no harm, I followed my bag upon the bus, calmly tossing a 'thankyouverymuch' over my shoulder at the driver. (They sense fear, you know, so you have to stay calm in these situations) Once safely seated, I waited calmly (again, calm is the key here) as several hundred thousand other people with multiple billions and billions of assorted luggage where also neatly packed unto the now minivan seeming vehicle (Again, later, I learned that, no, I wasn't involved in some inner space diminisional shift and that, factually, there were only six people on the bus with no where close to even 30 peices of luggage. Wow. I must really have needed a break).

The RENTAL CAR SHUTTLE was soon on its journey to the mystical land of 'RENTAL CARs'; aka the Naturalized American Disneyland. It used to be that you could get your rental car right at the airport terminal. Of course those days have gone the way of the John Stamos and over the years, the rental cars have moved further and further away from the airport. So, after a quick shuttle ride to Las Vegas, I was ready to enjoy my Phoenix vacation.

Wait, I think I left a part out... Oh, yes, the rental car aquisition. When the bus finally made its way to the rental car center (The Phoenix rental car 'EXTRAVAGANZA' is a huge parking garage with all the major players: Hertz, Dollar, Enterprise, Hooptie Heaven, Avis, etc. Its like going into the terminal of the old Stapleton airport.... Except, ah, they have, you know, like, cars and not DC47s) after an exausting tour of several 'shantie' towns, I was able to safely de-bus - but only after racing the bus driver to my bag in a desperate attempt to not go thru the 'let me do that for you' dance of de-luggage racking my newspaper sized traveling tote - and make my way to the appropriate car rental establishment. Luckily, I was able to battle my way to second in line, consequently saving a day to a day and a half (depending on estimates) of my vacation time not having to be in line.

Once I was called to the counter (You are probably waiting for me to make some crack about the eternity it took for me to get to the counter, aren't you? For your information, not only was I able to read War and Peace but I was also able to successfully invent the perpetual motion machine and a safe and re-usable form of energy. Sadly, what happened next at the counter seemed to have shocked me so completely that the details of these accomplishments have been lost) I smugly handed over my credit card and drivers licence and said 'Yep, I got quite the deal on a car for this little get away, didn't I?' The strange and exotic looking gentleman on the other side of the counter simply smiled and said 'Why, I cannot say for certain my good man, but as soon as I am able to recall your information from our database here I am sure you will find everything to be thoroughly satisfactory' (I'm dead serious).

I nodded happily and waited whilst said exotic looking chap busily punched this button, pulled that lever, twisted that nob, cranked that, er, cranker thingy and blew that whistle (yes, I thought it was a bit much, but, you know, modern technology and all). Finally he said, 'Ah, Mr. Joe, or may I call you Monstrous?'

'Oh, call me MJ', I replied generously.

'Quite right, MJ, quite right. It seems you have the rate for our economy car, which is our smallest vehicle. Can I recommend that you upgrage, MJ?'

'Oh, what is this smallest car to which you speak?'

'Well, MJ, it is our economy class vehicle so it is rather small. Here, let me show you, I happen to have one here in my pocket. You see, it is one of the perks of working here; free rentals. So, you see, you basically stand upon it and by sheer will power alone you are able to convince other drivers that you need assistance and they will take you to your destination. I don't understand why, but most of our customers decide to upgrade'

'First off, no, I don't see. What is that, a matchbox car?'

'Oh, dear no sir! It is in fact our economy car. Several hundred thousand miles to the gallon.'

'Well, Exotic Looking Gentleman, I got a real deal when I reserved your, eh, grasshopper mobile there, eh?'

'Yes, of course, MJ, I see it right here. It appears we were paying you 14 dollars a day to drive this car. My, my, that is a good deal.'

'Yeah, that's what I said. I got a good deal.'

'Yes, of course, MJ, I see it right here. It appears we were paying you 14 dollars a day to drive this car. My, my, that is a good deal.'

(Blank look) 'Um, did you just say that?'

'Excuse me?'

'Hey, listen, don't be trying any of your Exotic Gentleman mojo on me fella, I'm a stud.'

'I'm sorry, did you just say 'I am a stud?''

'Hey, pal, I'm the stud, and don't change the subject. If I upgrade to, whatever is next in line, will I get this good price you seem to like spouting about?'

'Yes, of course, MJ. No, you will not get that deal, however, I can quote you a midsize for roughly a hundred thousand percent more than what we quoted you for the economy sized.'

'Ok, wait. Did you just contradict yourself?'

'Yes, of course, MJ. No, you will not get that deal, however, I can quote you a midsize for roughly three hundred million thousand gajillion percent more than what we quoted you for the economy sized.'

(blink)

(Exotic looking smile)

'Ok, man. First things first. You can call me Mr. Joe. Now, what is this midsize and what do you want me to pay?'

'Yes, of course, emm, er, Mr. Joe. Yes, our midsize is a nice Dodge Strata or Neon for only 5x what we quoted for the economy.'

'Ok, first off, I don't think you quite grasp the subtle intricacies of, you know, math and stuff. But, that aside, that price doesn't make for a very good deal anymore.'

'Yes, of course, Mr. Joe. Would you like our full size, which is a nice Dodge Strata or Neon for only 10x what we quoted for the economy.'

(double blink)

(Exotic smile)

'Listen pal, you have got to stay out of the sun. What you are saying is I could get a Strata for 5x as much or 10x as much?'

'Yes, you've gotten it, haven't you, sir!'

(deep sigh)

(Exotic smile)

'Listen. I'll take the 5x Stratta'

'Jolly good, sir! Well done!'

NOW, I'm ready for my nice relaxing weekend..... TBC