Tuesday, January 31, 2006

Educated

A friend of mine recently got his PhD. In economics, I believe. (By recently, I, of course, mean within the last 1-3 years... Precision isn't my strong point) This friend worked extremely hard and I was very impressed with the required efforts. So naturally I made light of this monumental accomplishment by referring to my friend - oh, bother, lets, henceforth, refer to said friend as Mutombo, for sanity sake - as Doctor Who, Doctor Frankenstein, Doctor Crusher, Doctor No, Doctor Evil, Doctor Zhivago, Doctor Doom, Doctor Octupus, (are you getting the picture?) Doctor Doctor, Doctor Feel Good, Doctor Light, ( I kid you not, I can continue this ad nauseum) Doctor Strangelove, Doctor Huxtable, Doctor McCoy, Doctor Jeckyll, Doctor Quinn, ... .. .. At any opportunity, I Christened Mutombo with a new Doctor moniker. Luckily for Mutombo (and probably, for my own health) I quickly ran out of Doctors. . .. .. In all honesty, I probably only thought of about half of those 'doctors' before I ran out out of names..... Yeah, looking back, I think what I actually said was "I hope you don't expect me to call you Doctor." Hmmm.... Yes, now its coming back. I did in fact say "I hope you don't expect me to call you Doctor." To which was replied "Of course not." Hmm. Well, maybe the next time I see Mutombo I can revisit this conversation and bestow upon him this new version now that I've imagined something a lot more obnoxious to say.

Top Five Obnoxious Moments

1) Listen, I have an MBA, please address me as Master.
2) I once received an email from a newly minted Project Management Professional. The signature looked like this : [John-ish Jane-like Doe], PMP, [This Company]. I responded to the email as appropriate, but I changed my signature so it looked something like this : [Monstrous Joe], PMP, MBA, MD, MP, LSD, CIO, DOA, DDS, LMNOP, CEO, Esq. [This Company].
3) Once, during my youth, I worked this all night Burger King drive thru window. On one particular night, I must have been exceedingly obnoxious, as some guy tried climbing over his wife(or gal friend), thru the driver side window trying to present to me a more physical rebuttal. Ah, those were the days.
4) I happen to know a great many Nebraska Cornhusker fans. 'Nuff said.
5) One fateful night as a senior in HS, myself and a carefully selected band of anonymous fellows, surrounded our school with several hundred for sale signs scavenged from thru-out the city. Let me tell you, those big wooden post placards are not easy to dig up.

Monday, January 30, 2006

Twenty three and a half random thoughts

.5) Advice that isn't at least partly contradictory isn't advice at all, however ...

1.5) Have we become a nation of vampires, visually feeding off the beauty, vitality and energy of the young?

2.5) If Milla Jovovich and Kate Beckinsale made a movie do you think we could call it 'Run Evil Element Under the Fifth World'? And do you think they could, you know, maybe wrestle?

3.5) As football season wraps up and March Madness heats up, I can't help but think that I will, very soon, have no excuse to, you know, not clean the garage.

4.5) At some point, people like this guy should all be rounded up and placed into a small room, and, you know, not let out again until they agree to do a reality show.

5.5) Recently, I've read a book entitled Jonathan Strange and Mr. Norrell (Susanna Clarke). The story was entertaining, but what I found the most interesting was the curious manner in which the characters spoke. Everyone was painfully polite - even enemies - and it made me wonder; would people, in our society today, freak out if we all had nothing but pleasantries to exchange with one another?

6.5) Its hard to imagine, but the internet as we know it really isn't all that old, however, I cannot imagine not having such a helpful, informative, and entertaining medium as its become in the past 10 to 15 years.

7.5) Do you think my cell phone is about to ring?

8.5) Clint Eastwood. Has a history in TV and low budget foreign films and now has a hand in some of the most compellingly brilliant movies I've ever seen.

9.5) Do you ever wonder what Star Trek would have been like if Clint Eastwood would have been the captain? Do you think they would have let him wear an old stained poncho instead of the s'mediums with capris that was the uniform for the men?

10.5) Clint Eastwood as Captain Kirk and Samuel Jackson as Spock. Now we are talking serious entertainment, eh Trekkies? 'Ya Goddam right thats my tricorder! Get yer mutha #$%# hands off!'

11.5) Is compellingly a real word? Ever wonder how words are created? The other day, I saw a word - multihyphenate - used in an article. Since I'd never seen the word, I looked it up in my handy dandy dictionary. Nothing. No entry. Does not exist. When do you think its ok to make words up? Anyway, I gleaned from the context of the sentence what the word meant and was filled with envy that there exists a profession that I could have followed: Literal word-smithing. Maybe I'll make up a couple of words in the future.

12.5) Ever see a person of the opposite sex (or same, if that's your preference) for the first time and just know that you have a 'thing'? Thing, being a connection, a chemistry, a flame, a spark, a, what the French call, 'I don't know what'? What is that all about? Sometimes I think its one of our future consciousness contacting us from one of our multitude of possible future realities where, yeah, you and that person really, you know, got it on good. And since we are all positive people in the future, it (it, being, you know, that future alternate reality consciousness I JUST now mentioned - pay attention) fails to tell us that, well, yeah, if you do THAT (seemingly innocuous thing that only in hindsight seems appallingly ridiculous), things will go horribly awry and they (they being that person you just sparked with) will leave you and consequently you will end up insane for a few days.... or maybe years.

13.5) Why can't that consciousness tell us something helpful... Like, you know, the next lottery numbers. Honestly, you know, its not because its not trying to be helpful, its more because love is more important than money. And in the future, every consciousness will realize this.

14.5) Why do you think that actors are all so short? Do you think its because its easier to fit them into the TV when they 'format the film to fit your TV'? I do seem to notice that Tim Robbins hunches a lot in his movies. He might be afraid of becoming a head shorter or something.

15.5) I wonder if we did a survey if we would find that people that are exceptionally beautiful are also remarkably stupid and vice versa? You know, on average as a way of balancing things out, the more you approach average looks, the more you approach average intellect.

16.5) Course, who the heck defines what is beautiful anyway? I think that the 'Pretty Woman' gal has a huge and disproportionate mouth. Others seem to think she's drop dead beautiful. Eh, who really cares anyway.

17.5) Do you think if Julia Roberts had been captain of the Enterprise that she would have had sex with the way hot green chick? That may have been worth recording.

18.5) Exxon today posted revenues of, you know, a kazillion dollars. I wonder if we would still be driving gas powered automobiles if the industry were, you know, only making a buck fifty an hour. It seems to me that every time I hear or read about some ground breaking new energy source, the person behind it suddenly finds a new calling in animal husbandry. Remember that Dean Kamen guy? Supposedly, he had an invention that would change the world. I think he phrased it '... unique and lasting contribution to society.' I wonder if he originally had a transportation device powered by, you know, cat poop. Then Dr. Evil and Exxon got wind of things and instead we got the Segway. Which I guess is just as good, cuz, you know, how else would Gob get around to ruining Michael's life?

19.5) How can a show be as funny as Arrested Development and nobody watch it? Bloody Exxon bastiches.

20.5) I find that if I don't like something and don't understand why its occurring, I can just blame the Bush administration or the Oil Industry until I make the time to, you know, research it and find out without a doubt it actually is the fault of the Oil Industry AND the Bush administration.

21.5) Though its been years since I've seen Mel Brooks' brilliant documentary 'The History of the World Pt. 1', I've recently begun to wonder how many of the five 'lost' Commandments, the Bush administration is breaking. I mean, why stop at ten when you are on a role and all?

22.5) Not everyone gets me. Frankly, I'm quite surprised anyone gets me at all.

23.5) If Vince Vaughn is in fact an item with Jennifer Aniston, do we refer to them as Vincifer or Vaugiston.... Maybe Jennince or Anisaughn... Or are ridiculous combo's like that reserved for that master thespian Ben Affleck and his sig-oths?

Top five random thoughts that didn't make the 23.5

1) I often times want to, politely, remind hiway drivers that, no, it isn't ok to go from 65 to 30 on the off chance that you might see a severed limb. But unfailingly, they misunderstand my guestures for 'you're number 1' for something entirely unintended. Luckily, I really don't have road rage and resist all urges to inflict bodily damage and or create general havoc. But, its a close thing. Someone once told me that there really is only one @ss hole on the road... They just happen to be in front of you. Every. Single. Day.

2) Do you think that rich people day dream about losing all there money and ponder what it would be like to be, you know, middle class?

3) I read recently a study the concluded that sex helps you maintain your health. So, really, a menage trois (The French really aren't that bad after all) is the equivalent of 'take two and call me in the morning'.

4) If I could have one super power, and one only, I would choose telepathy.

5) Love is a beautiful thing, man.

Saturday, January 28, 2006

Those ARE parrots

Apparently there are wild focks, um, flocks of parrots flying free in several states of our beloved union. I did not know that. I watched this documentary, The Wild Parrots of Telegraph Hill, that introduces the viewer to a flock of wild Cherry Headed Conures in San Francisco and their patron Mark Bittner. Mark is somewhat of a character who doesn't appear to work regularly, other than to watch over this flock of birds. He gets free meals and free board and free publicity for his actions as avian tutor. The birds themselves exhibit their own quirky personalities and/or traits that make them each distinguishable. For example there is the 'couple', as Mark refers to them, that split up because she was a 'de-featherer'; she would pluck feathers from her belly and also from her mates neck. As Mark describes, 'He didn't like that so he broke off the relationship.' Or Conner, the only blue headed conure in the flock and who is also the outcast, the lonely pariah who is shunned by the others, but who, ironically, is the one who valiantly acts as defender of any of the flock who may become sick or injured and thus prey to others in the flock who attack the weaker brethren. And the list continues. Its interesting to me that these birds, these escapist pets, have thrived in an environment so different from the lush rainforests from which they were captured. Not only in San Francisco, but the documentary also mentions other flocks in Utah, Southern California and even New York. Its really a very interesting film.

Top five coolest birds

1) Ravens. Ravens are supposedly the smartest of all birds. Not sure about that, but they are cool in the movies as harbingers of doom and evil. I knew a girl once who wanted to name her first born son Raven. At the time I thought it was hilarious, but upon further review it may have been because I have one of the most common names ever.
2) Cockatoos. Baretta had a white one. 'Nuff said.
3) Penguins. Cuteness factor aside, penguins are just hilarious to watch with their funny little waddle and their black tie attire.
4) Hawks. I think we mostly have Red-Tail Hawks here in Denver. Its very cool to watch them fly around town.
5) Hummingbirds. Anything that can fly backward, hover and vanish in the blink of an eye is awesome.

Wednesday, January 25, 2006

Revised list....

Upon further review (read: remembered some forgotten monsters) I eighty-sixed the egg heads and replaced 'em with somethin I forgot.

1) Lizard guy
2) Wiggly molten quilt piles.
3) White gorilla with the rhinoceros horn
4) Giant middle linebacker guy
5) space leach hussy

Thanks for the reminder and the names, GKL!!

My man Shatner

Ok, GKL... Star Trek. Star Trek. Really, I can't think of Star Trek without picturing JTK in a fighting stance with his fighting stance music going and his karate chop poised to strike! (bahmp ba bahm bahm bahm bahm bahm bahm bump ah bahm bahmp) Man, Kirk was da bomb dizzle! Beat up the alien, out smart the alien, out hustle the alien, sleep with the alien, you name it, he did it to the alien!! As a young an impressionable youth, Kirk, in my eyes, had reached nearly demigod status. When the rough housing started with the brothers or the other boys in the hood, I was nearly unstoppable when I assumed the mighty Capt. James T. Kirk persona, vocalized the famous 'fightin stance music' and delivered barrage after barrage of deadly Kirk-itized, open handed, ridge chops!!! YAH!! Everyone fell before my skill... Well, except my big brother who was quite immune to any and all Kirk-chops. Heck, if Kirk had a big brother, I'm sure he would have experience similar fruitless results. I remember how excited I was when the first movie appeared. I also recall how painfully disappointed I was with that particular snore fest. Luckily, an old enemy came back and his wrath made the second outing the best (by far). But, back to my man, Shatner. Back to the Kirk love fest. The man crush. The hetero homage. The Tiberius tenderness. the, the.... I've run out of adjectives... Bloody missing thesaurus. Anyway, Kirk was awesome and everybody knew it. He knew it, we knew, by Jove, the aliens knew it! Kirk made William Shatner a bona fide supa stah! Well, sorta. Eventually. Anyway, now the guy is hilarious! And anybody who played the baddest space captain in the history of, er, bad space captains, and can cash in on it by poking fun of it is beyond commendable. Genius! Brilliance! Brilliant! Kirk is awesome.

Top five original Star Trek monsters (GKL can undoubtedly provide names, cuz I don't remember).

1) The lizard guy that was only defeated by Kirk's resourcefulness and a last second remembered lesson from basic chemistry.
2) The lava things that resembled what a game of twister under a patch work quilt must have looked like. Bones patched one up with some kind of instant cement.
3) The oversized man with the tremendous shoulders. Looked like Ray Lewis on a massive steroid binge.
4) The bubble headed guys that talked with their minds. They each had a serious case of cranial varicose veins.
5) The space hussy that was actually some kind of giant leach with suckers on its finger tips.

Tuesday, January 24, 2006

Thoughts on Race

I read an article ... No wait, I actually read a couple of articles this morning that were not sports related. One was about local performance art. The other was about Colorado's flagship educational institution. Both have racial components that got me to thinking about race and racial tensions, etc, etc, etc. Being a mostly logical person, I tend to rely on logic when making decisions or coming to conclusions and determining my feelings on any particular topic. Scientifically speaking, the only differentiation for homo sapiens is physiological. And the physiological differences between people are the result of thousands of years of environmental influences. Given those facts, the term 'race' is actually misused. We are all the same race, just different shades and slightly different appearances. And since we're all the same, its illogical to discriminate against a person because they may be a paler or a darker(or, in my case, just sexier). I've met racist people. Some belligerent, some insensitive all illogical. Illogical people should be disregarded. Unfortunately, not every disregardable person is in a disregardable position, which, regrettably, lends to great and unfortunate injustices perpetuated in a potentially great and just country. Don't get me wrong, I love this country. There are so many great things about America, but why settle for less than complete greatness? Obviously, we've come a long way, made a lot of advancements, blah blah. Still got a long way to go.

Monday, January 23, 2006

Bronco Blues

So the Broncos are not going to the Super Bowl. Bummer. I mean, if you beat the Pats twice in one year, then you must be destined for glory, no? Well, I underestimated the Steelers. On hindsight, I should have given the Steelers more respect. They rush the passer better than Denver. They pass the ball better than Denver. Though, Denver did rush the ball better, it wasn't by much. The Steeler's quarterback was better than Denver's. These are things that we knew before hand, but discounted because of the Steelers abundance of late season road trips (@Vikings, @Browns, Lions, @Indy, @Cincy and @Denver). I thought they would run out of gas. Not so... The Steelers are a remarkable team. In fact, I'd much rather lose to the Steelers than to any other club... Especially the Pats and their nearly unbearable fans. I mean, give it a break people! Enough with the arrogance, already. .. Anyway, I think the Steelers are the next world champs, but I don't really care enough to write a complete analysis... That'd be too much like work... And I wouldn't have started a blog if I didn't want to avoid work. Anyway, kudos to the Donkeys for a great season.

Top Five needs for Broncos '06 - '07 season

1) Impact WR
2) DE that can get after the opposing QB
3) Faster play at the safety position
4) Dominant RT
5) Barber shop at Dove Valley

Saturday, January 21, 2006

Whales and stuff..

Ok, so the whale that was swimming up and down that river in England is dead. And who knows how many are being killed by sonar each year, since apparantly, that information is now being suppressed... Anywho, its kinda sad because my daughter (6) wants to grow up and be a 'dolphin trainer' (read: marine bio-person) and it would suck if all that was available to train when she grew up were humonguous mutant carp... Well, actually, that might be kinda cool, but you know what I mean... Speaking of oceans...

Top five "killer" whale/fish movies...

1) Moby Dick... Sperm Whale.. Moby Dick.. Sperm Whale... I chuckle every time...
2) Orca... This may be obscure to non-movie fans, but its basically a pissed off Orca seeking vengeance on the bastiche that killed his baby and baby's momma. Think Free Willy with a psychotic whale.
3) Jaws. ... .Basically why I distrust large bodies of water.
4) Deep Blue Sea... ok, not nearly as classic as Moby or Jaws, its still fairly amusing. I mean, who doesn't like to see mutant sharks rampaging amongst too clever for their own good scientists?
5) Piranha --- More aply, Piran-HA! ... Kills me.

Friday, January 20, 2006

Scotland!

I've always wanted to travel to England. Mostly because I love the accents and I hope to one day marry Elizabeth Hurley. Best Satan ever, by the way. But I digress. So, as an American, I of course have only the vaguest of notions as to the geography of my own country let alone that of places beyond its boundaries, however, I'm almost certain that Scotland is somewhere near, if not, a part of Great Britain. (Kidding, I know Scotland is part of Scandinavia) That really isn't the point... Not that I really have a point... What was I talking about? Oh, yes. Elizabeth Hurley. Did I mention her work in Bedazzled? Breathtaking. On a related note, Scotland.. Or Skoohtlund as I like to pronounce it, somewhere located in the vicinity of Venice, is a place that really fascinates me. I mean, isn't Sean Connery a Scot? Scotty 'beam me up' Dooland (in fact, this is James Doohan and he's apparently, Canadian. Who knew?) also a Scot? Maybe that guy is from Ireland. Heck, maybe Connery is Irish. Which one has the dibs on the man-skirts? Speaking of skirts, do you know who my favorite mini-skirt wearing hottie might be? No, yer wrong, it is in fact Elizabeth Hurley. I happened to read a Blog entry by non-person who appears to be Scottish, that was quite fascinating. It was called 99 things about me or something to that affect. Can I just say, wow! I may be in love! Wait, no, that was gas. ('scuse me), but I'm definitely fascinated.

Top five Elizabeth Hurley moments

1) Bathing suit in Bedazzled
2) Bathing suit in Austin Powers
3) Bathing suit in nearly every other bathing suit scene involving Elizabeth Hurley
4) Bigger gun scene in Austin Powers
5) Cowboy hat/miniskirt swagger in Serving Sara

Thursday, January 19, 2006

What's behind the name?

One of my more enjoyable interests is movies. I like em. I like em a lot. Another is monsters. Not the Charlise Theron type, rather the type that have huge menacing dagger like claws, or rapacious teeth... You know, the werewolf or mutant and/or alien menance type. So, it stands to reason that I really enjoy a good monster movie. Sometimes, regardless of script, acting or any semblance of coherency aside, a good monster can make a movie. But when you put a great monster with a great script, wow, awesome. (This isn't a King Kong review, but the movie is awesome and I recommend it heartily). Top five monsters? That's relatively easy. King Kong is tops, well, because anybody who does so much for love is capacetic in my book, regardless of excessive hair. Sigourney Weaver's Alien is next for sheer sticktoitiveness. The Gillman (Black Lagoon ..) is next as who can blame a guy for falling for a hottie in swim wear. Next is Godzilla because size does matter. And last is the Thing... Carpenter's Thing. Mostly cuz its creepy.

1)Kong
2)Alien
3)Gillman
4)Godzilla
5)Thing

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Me, blog?!

What's really interesting (read: odd) about me starting a blog is that I don't like to talk, share, or communicate in a general way with anyone. But not only that, I also feel strongly about a great deal less than most blogs I've read. In fact, I'm mostly ambivalant to nearly every controversial topic you could think of. ... mostly. But hey, maybe I'm secretly entertaining and this is my opportunity to find out. Guess I'll find out.