I have a relatively firm grasp of the Americanized English language which allows me to communicate quite efficiently with the majority, if not all, of the english speaking population. That being said, a certain part of my youth was spent in the company of a, lets say, rougher and less classically eloquent element. Consequently, I also have a relatively firm grasp of a, lets say again, colloquial style of speaking that may be, at times, at odds with my normal every day way of speaking.
Recently, while driving with a good friend of mine with whom I communicate in a certain way, I received a phone call (Ok, I know what you're thinking: He's one of those people that drives all over the road while trying to answer his bloody cell phone. Well, I have one thing to say to that... Guilty as charged) from a friend with whom I speak an entirely different way. I excused the intrusion with my co-pilot and answered the phone. I had a very brief conversation the contents of which are really not worth mentioning here and then hung up.
Once I dissconnected from the call, I turned to my friend to apologize again and noticed that I was receiving a very strange look. I inquired as to what I owed this remarkable visage and was promply queried about the manner of my chosen communication 'technique' whilst on the phone.
Knowing exactly to what was being referred, I just as promptly adopted a perplexed expression and feigned confusion. Again the question of the phone call and the way I chose and arranged the words to which I queried and responded to the caller was presented. Sighing in resignation, I patiently explained that I, being shaped and influenced by two differring cultures, tend to communicate, depending on the situation and the other participant, in whichever manner I deem most apropos. It just so happened the my companion at that time had not heard me interact, communicably speaking (that is a clever phrase whether you think so or not), with someone with whom I would use different, culturally speaking, expressions, phrases, etcetera. It seemed that this anomalous event was somewhat less than well received.
Why, I was queried, would you speak one way some times and another, entirely different way at other times? At the time, I was at a loss at how to explain this incongruity. I must say, I am hardly aware of any difference, I simply communicate in the manner most fitting to the situation at hand in the most natural and most comfortable manner for the participants at hand. Is there harm in this? Am I, perhaps, sundering some unspoken law against Language of which the penalty is severe and remarkable looks? Am I restricted to singular forms of expression? Shall I always be severe and austere? Perpetually colorful and quaint, perhaps? No, I think not. I shall not be pigeon (oh, the irony) holed into one form of expression as surely as I will not be ground under the heels of concurent and multiple wives! I have a dream where one day a man will not be required to hold to only one form of expression, but will be free to convey himself in whatever manner he see fit without the hinderance and hounding of severe and remarkable looks.
This, my friends, should be a dream we all share.
Thursday, March 30, 2006
Wanted: Devil Cat
I read this article this morning and can you guess the first thought that came to me? No? Well, it was I wonder if I could rent that cat. I could sick it on the pigeons that continue to haunt and harass my existance.
Tuesday, March 28, 2006
Polygamy: A less is more story
My sick but hopefully recovering blogger friend wrote about a new HBO series that chronicles the daily life of a polygamist. I have an opinion and, believe it or not, I'm going to share it with you.
Basically, if it works for you, run with it.
Why it wouldn't work for me:
Lets say, metaphorically speaking, women(or men) are food. (Ever wonder why there is no adverb for simile? It seems a bit unfair to give one of these closesly related words a grammatical advantage. I think I'm going to make up an adverb for simile: "Lets say, similleacally speaking, that women are like food." I think that sounds just as nice if not better, don't you agree? Feel free to use and disperse amongst your friends) We all like food. Some food we like better than others. Some food we can't live without. Some food costs more than other food. Some food reacts badly to your sitting around and watching football all day long. My point is, there are all types of food. But when you sit down to eat your food (whoa) there is only so much that you can possibly and/or comfortably consume without making yourself ill or, urm, crazy.
Sure, this bit of food looks good with that certain silky dressing. That one makes you laugh with its humorous taste. Still another makes you think about its complex and complicated textures. But trying to stuff them all down your glutaness maw is silly at least and selfish at most.
Top 5 Bill Paxton Moments
1) Aliens - Bill is having a bit of a crisis as his marine unit is overrun by the drooling chest bursting bastiches.
2) True Lies - Bill gets on Ahnohld's bad side by trying to get, uh, on Jamie Lee's good side.
3) Wierd Science - Bill, you don't want to get Kelly angry at you. Trust me.
4) Twister - Really, Holly isn't worth braving a twister, man.
5) Mighty Joe Young - Ms. Theron, however, certainly is.
Basically, if it works for you, run with it.
Why it wouldn't work for me:
Lets say, metaphorically speaking, women(or men) are food. (Ever wonder why there is no adverb for simile? It seems a bit unfair to give one of these closesly related words a grammatical advantage. I think I'm going to make up an adverb for simile: "Lets say, similleacally speaking, that women are like food." I think that sounds just as nice if not better, don't you agree? Feel free to use and disperse amongst your friends) We all like food. Some food we like better than others. Some food we can't live without. Some food costs more than other food. Some food reacts badly to your sitting around and watching football all day long. My point is, there are all types of food. But when you sit down to eat your food (whoa) there is only so much that you can possibly and/or comfortably consume without making yourself ill or, urm, crazy.
Sure, this bit of food looks good with that certain silky dressing. That one makes you laugh with its humorous taste. Still another makes you think about its complex and complicated textures. But trying to stuff them all down your glutaness maw is silly at least and selfish at most.
Top 5 Bill Paxton Moments
1) Aliens - Bill is having a bit of a crisis as his marine unit is overrun by the drooling chest bursting bastiches.
2) True Lies - Bill gets on Ahnohld's bad side by trying to get, uh, on Jamie Lee's good side.
3) Wierd Science - Bill, you don't want to get Kelly angry at you. Trust me.
4) Twister - Really, Holly isn't worth braving a twister, man.
5) Mighty Joe Young - Ms. Theron, however, certainly is.
Word aesthetics
Ever notice that some words just sound good? What I'm saying is (if you leave out the definition which can unfairly influence a word's 'sound aesthetic' value) words can be very pleasing to the ear.
For example, my all time favorite word, 'argyle' is, perhaps, the coolest sounding word known to man. I mean, its not complicated with multiple syllables. There are no unwieldly emphasizers or gratuitous umlauts. Its beauty is almost magnified by its simplicity. Additionally, if you sound it out you can almost hear the word tell a story. I mean, its a story that starts painfully 'ARGH!' put is soothed and comforted at the end 'gyllllllllllll'. Its very dramatic.
There are some words that at some point or another I thought were contenders to "argyle's" throne (not thrown, which is a homonym for throne. 'Homonym' is another word that is pleasing to hear). For example, 'egregious'. Its not bad, but I feel like its a word that has bitten off more than it can chew. A word that seeks to rise above its station but doesn't have the necessary acumen to maintain its lofty goals. Ironically, I believe 'pretentious' accomplishes more in the end of what 'egregious' must have had in mind. Where 'egregious' nearly sounds like its demanding an accounting, 'pretentious' has a quiet confidence; an assureness that is found lacking in the former.
Some words try to emulate the success of 'argyle'. 'Gargoyle' for example, which puts a spin on the same story that 'argyle' relays (Same harsh beginning: 'GARRR!'; same attempt at consolation: 'go-ah-ulllllll'). I feel, however, that 'gargoyle' fails to deliver the same simple, but majestic, beauty of our reigning word monarch. 'Gargoyle's consolation comes across as melodramatic and forced; like its trying much too hard.
Other words try not for emulation, but for grandiose overabundance. Such a word is 'onomatopoeia'. This word reminds me of the actress at one of those award shows who tries to bring attention to themselves with glaring make-up (applied by spackle knife) or ultra-revealing clothing. Sure, we notice, but what we're thinking isn't at all flattering. 'Onomatopoeia's attempt at pleasing overtures is ludicrous (not Ludicris, who is a rapper, but is definitely not a wrapper) and glaring. Can I just say, less is more, 'onomatopoeia', less is more.
In what may be another delicious irony, 'sanctimonious' flips the 'less is more' axiom right upon its ear. As 'argyle' infers an exquisitely short drama, 'sanctimonious' is surely a romcom on a deserted island with a steamy sex scene tossed in for the resigned boyfriend (or girlfriend, I'm not here to make assumptions). Sound it out and (hear) for yourself. 'Sanctimonious' does with flair that is simply casual what 'onomatopoeia' attempts to do with brazen exhibitionism.
I'm not sure how long 'argyle' will stand as the icon of audio aesthetics; the czar of the scrumptiously spoken; the paragon of the pleasant pander; the ( I could go on like this for some time, but at this point I believe an intervention is what is required) -* At any rate, whatever word succeeds in dethroning the champion shall have conquered a valiant opponent.
Top Five Words - Audio Aesthetically Speaking
1) Argyle
2) Michael
3) Sanctimonious
4) Pretentious
5) Brazen
PS - 'Personification' is also an ok word, but its story is complete and total pornography.
For example, my all time favorite word, 'argyle' is, perhaps, the coolest sounding word known to man. I mean, its not complicated with multiple syllables. There are no unwieldly emphasizers or gratuitous umlauts. Its beauty is almost magnified by its simplicity. Additionally, if you sound it out you can almost hear the word tell a story. I mean, its a story that starts painfully 'ARGH!' put is soothed and comforted at the end 'gyllllllllllll'. Its very dramatic.
There are some words that at some point or another I thought were contenders to "argyle's" throne (not thrown, which is a homonym for throne. 'Homonym' is another word that is pleasing to hear). For example, 'egregious'.
Some words try to emulate the success of 'argyle'. 'Gargoyle' for example, which puts a spin on the same story that 'argyle' relays (Same harsh beginning: 'GARRR!'; same attempt at consolation: 'go-ah-ulllllll'). I feel, however, that 'gargoyle' fails to deliver the same simple, but majestic, beauty of our reigning word monarch. 'Gargoyle's consolation comes across as melodramatic and forced; like its trying much too hard.
Other words try not for emulation, but for grandiose overabundance. Such a word is 'onomatopoeia'. This word reminds me of the actress at one of those award shows who tries to bring attention to themselves with glaring make-up (applied by spackle knife) or ultra-revealing clothing. Sure, we notice, but what we're thinking isn't at all flattering. 'Onomatopoeia's attempt at pleasing overtures is ludicrous (not Ludicris, who is a rapper, but is definitely not a wrapper) and glaring. Can I just say, less is more, 'onomatopoeia', less is more.
In what may be another delicious irony, 'sanctimonious' flips the 'less is more' axiom right upon its ear. As 'argyle' infers an exquisitely short drama, 'sanctimonious' is surely a romcom on a deserted island with a steamy sex scene tossed in for the resigned boyfriend (or girlfriend, I'm not here to make assumptions). Sound it out and (hear) for yourself. 'Sanctimonious' does with flair that is simply casual what 'onomatopoeia' attempts to do with brazen exhibitionism.
I'm not sure how long 'argyle' will stand as the icon of audio aesthetics; the czar of the scrumptiously spoken; the paragon of the pleasant pander; the ( I could go on like this for some time, but at this point I believe an intervention is what is required) -* At any rate, whatever word succeeds in dethroning the champion shall have conquered a valiant opponent.
Top Five Words - Audio Aesthetically Speaking
1) Argyle
2) Michael
3) Sanctimonious
4) Pretentious
5) Brazen
PS - 'Personification' is also an ok word, but its story is complete and total pornography.
Monday, March 27, 2006
Buffy
My straight lesbian blogger friend out east has recently come to the conclusion that Buffy rocks. As in, Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Of course, this is bound to happen to anyone who has seen a Whedon production. .. Resistance is futile... Hmm... Bad taste; shouldn't mix pop-cultural phenemonas.
Her post got me thinking about TV and, you know, other than being a complete brain atrophic, the good that can come from enjoying the occasional viscous violent vampire vivisection. Prior to the last few years, I had been an avid consumer of the delicasies offered up on TV as sitcoms, dramas, dramedies, drahmsitcomedies, sitcomrahmedies, buddyromcomdrahmedies, etcetera and so forth.
As a child, - Prior to cable, the discouragement of latchkey kids and video games other than pong - I spent a lot of time watching shows like Andy Griffith, Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best, My Favorite Martian, Lost in Space, I Love Lucy, The Beverly Hillbillies, Bonanza, Gunsmoke, Star Trek, The Munsters, The Adams Family, Gilligan's Island..... I lived with my pops and he worked days, nights, days and nights, etcetera, consequently, I had a lot of time on my hands. And sort of like that old HBO show, Dream On, TV played a large role in shaping my (cliche alert) young and formative mind. (Quick 'Splaination: My bros lived with my moms and my sis wasn't around yet. More questions? Hold onto them, I may get to them sometime)
You can learn a lot from TV I guess. Like, for example, there were no black people back in the day. TV shows were black and white, but the people in the TV shows were not. Apparantly blacks appeared around the mid to late 60s early 70s. When they did start to show up on programs, as I got older, they were mostly thieves, pimps, taxi drivers or Huggy Bear. Ah, Huggy Bear. Anyway, my point isn't to rehash the cultural evolution of television, my point is... er, well, I guess I don't really have a point.
Other things I learned from the great B&W TV shows: Always open a door for ladies, always stand for ladies, always allow ladies to precede you, when kissing a lady, be sure to crush her in a bear hug while mashing your closed mouth as hard into her face as the law allows. That last bit is essential.
Listening to Melissa, you can't help but realize that Whedon, via Buffy, presents us with life in all its complex, painful and exhilerating glory thru campy tongue in cheek dialogue and fantastic and impossible situations. Tempered with a dose of realism, maybe an atrophic isn't all bad?
Top Five TV Monster Serials (Caveat: I haven't seen any of the recent slew of monster shows, like Surface, etc)
1) X-Files
2) Buffy
3) Night Stalker (old one, not new one)
4) Angel
5) Dobey Gillis
Her post got me thinking about TV and, you know, other than being a complete brain atrophic, the good that can come from enjoying the occasional viscous violent vampire vivisection. Prior to the last few years, I had been an avid consumer of the delicasies offered up on TV as sitcoms, dramas, dramedies, drahmsitcomedies, sitcomrahmedies, buddyromcomdrahmedies, etcetera and so forth.
As a child, - Prior to cable, the discouragement of latchkey kids and video games other than pong - I spent a lot of time watching shows like Andy Griffith, Leave it to Beaver, Father Knows Best, My Favorite Martian, Lost in Space, I Love Lucy, The Beverly Hillbillies, Bonanza, Gunsmoke, Star Trek, The Munsters, The Adams Family, Gilligan's Island..... I lived with my pops and he worked days, nights, days and nights, etcetera, consequently, I had a lot of time on my hands. And sort of like that old HBO show, Dream On, TV played a large role in shaping my (cliche alert) young and formative mind. (Quick 'Splaination: My bros lived with my moms and my sis wasn't around yet. More questions? Hold onto them, I may get to them sometime)
You can learn a lot from TV I guess. Like, for example, there were no black people back in the day. TV shows were black and white, but the people in the TV shows were not. Apparantly blacks appeared around the mid to late 60s early 70s. When they did start to show up on programs, as I got older, they were mostly thieves, pimps, taxi drivers or Huggy Bear. Ah, Huggy Bear. Anyway, my point isn't to rehash the cultural evolution of television, my point is... er, well, I guess I don't really have a point.
Other things I learned from the great B&W TV shows: Always open a door for ladies, always stand for ladies, always allow ladies to precede you, when kissing a lady, be sure to crush her in a bear hug while mashing your closed mouth as hard into her face as the law allows. That last bit is essential.
Listening to Melissa, you can't help but realize that Whedon, via Buffy, presents us with life in all its complex, painful and exhilerating glory thru campy tongue in cheek dialogue and fantastic and impossible situations. Tempered with a dose of realism, maybe an atrophic isn't all bad?
Top Five TV Monster Serials (Caveat: I haven't seen any of the recent slew of monster shows, like Surface, etc)
1) X-Files
2) Buffy
3) Night Stalker (old one, not new one)
4) Angel
5) Dobey Gillis
Friday, March 24, 2006
Salma and Lindsay
I saw this picture awhile ago, but haven't had time to write anything that would really do it the justice it deserves... And, er, I still don't.
The first thought that comes thru my mind when I look at this picture is that Salma is thinking 'Mi Dios! Look at the size of her head!' .. Seriously, is it me or is Ms. Lohan's head the size of a Rushmore carving? Its, like, three times bigger than all of Salma Hayek together! If you look closely, you'll actually see Salma leaning into and up to Lindsay's head. This suggests that it is large enough to have its own gravitational field. In fact, I think I read somewhere that Lindsay is only allowed to fly on certain airplanes due to the sheer mass of her cranium. Now I'm not a hundred percent on that.
The next thought was how errily similar Lindsay's head looks to that flying shitzu in The Never Ending Story. ( I believe it referred to itself as a Luck Dragon... Can't recall its name offhand...[Falkor.. the internet is a wondrous thing]) You know, when the thing sticks its tongue out after getting the hero to scratch behind its ear? What? Don't pretend that I am the only guy who has seen this movie!
Then I just look at Salma and think, "Yeah, if she knew me she'd dig me."
MJ's List
Awhile ago, my straight lesbian blogger friend had this list thing going on (different banalities than that 'tagged' thing) .. I'm finally getting to it... Something about hot celebs and 20 things to do...
In case you were every wondering about my top five list of "shag you very much' celebs, here it is:
1a) Salma Hayek
1b) Kate Beckinsale
1c) Beyonce
1d) Angela Basset
1e) Nicole Kidman
2) Milla Jovovich
3) Minnie Driver
4) Vanessa Williams
5) Toni Braxton
20 Things I want to do or see before I die (in no particular order):
1) scuba dive
2) hit a pigeon with a snowball
3) write a book
4) fly a jet plane
5) sit in a submarine
6) win UFC
7) go to a Super Bowl
8) see a Blue whale
9) see a sperm whale and a giant squid battle to the death (or at least until one says 'uncle')
10) see a minority President (Think a woman or person of color, not Whip or DeLay)
11) Australia, baby
12) learn to talk with a British accent
13) meet Prince
14) see a hawk or falcon snag a flying vermin in mid air
15) invent/find a cologne that smells like Tiger Lillies
16) see my girlies graduate from College
17) end of the two party system
18) own a garage (Toyota repair)
19) star in a remake of Enter the Dragon with Jet Li and Salma Hayek, Kate Beckinsale, Beyonce and Angela Bassett. .. Jet would play the part of, uh, Lee and I would play the part of Williams.... Specifically for one particular scene.. You know, the one where Jim Kelly (aka Black Belt Jones aka Williams), is taking advantage of Han's 'hospitality'.
20) discover my secret super power
In case you were every wondering about my top five list of "shag you very much' celebs, here it is:
1a) Salma Hayek
1b) Kate Beckinsale
1c) Beyonce
1d) Angela Basset
1e) Nicole Kidman
2) Milla Jovovich
3) Minnie Driver
4) Vanessa Williams
5) Toni Braxton
20 Things I want to do or see before I die (in no particular order):
1) scuba dive
2) hit a pigeon with a snowball
3) write a book
4) fly a jet plane
5) sit in a submarine
6) win UFC
7) go to a Super Bowl
8) see a Blue whale
9) see a sperm whale and a giant squid battle to the death (or at least until one says 'uncle')
10) see a minority President (Think a woman or person of color, not Whip or DeLay)
11) Australia, baby
12) learn to talk with a British accent
13) meet Prince
14) see a hawk or falcon snag a flying vermin in mid air
15) invent/find a cologne that smells like Tiger Lillies
16) see my girlies graduate from College
17) end of the two party system
18) own a garage (Toyota repair)
19) star in a remake of Enter the Dragon with Jet Li and Salma Hayek, Kate Beckinsale, Beyonce and Angela Bassett. .. Jet would play the part of, uh, Lee and I would play the part of Williams.... Specifically for one particular scene.. You know, the one where Jim Kelly (aka Black Belt Jones aka Williams), is taking advantage of Han's 'hospitality'.
20) discover my secret super power
Bloody work
Ok, so I've been a little busy with work and what not so my blog has been neglected. Fortunetly, I"ve been saving some topics that I wanted to throw at you. (Funny, I don't know, exactly, to whom I am saying 'you'; I only have ideas... ... Lets pretend its you... )
I believe I am going to take the VSP (voluntary severance plan) my company is offering and look for another adventure. Its all very exiting.
I believe I am going to take the VSP (voluntary severance plan) my company is offering and look for another adventure. Its all very exiting.
Tagged!
Is this the blog version of those emails that I get from some people detailing various banalities like 'My Favorite Restaraunt is... The CD I'm listening to right now is .... '?
Great!! I love doing those (most days) !!
Accent – The thing about accents is that if you live in the place you grew up, you could have an accent and never know it. In my case, I've been back to Baltimore and the people there said I talked funny. Yes, and these are people who say 'are-ah' when referring to the letter 'R'.
Booze of choice – A nice red wine is dandy. When I'm clubbing, I drink bombay sapphire and tonic.
Chore I hate – I despise cooking.
Dog or Cat – I can tolerate either. I have two Bengals at home.
Essential electronics – My 'puter of course.
Favorite perfume(s)/cologne(s) – In my medicine cabinet I have JPG, Drakkar and Creed.
Gold or Silver? Jewerly isn't my bag, baby.
Hometown – Born in Port Sulphur, LA. Raised in Denver, Colorado.
Insomnia? – Sleeping is never an issue with me.
Job Title – Technical Proj/Prog Manager II.
Kids? – I have three daughters. 13, 10 and 7. The oldest isn't biologically mine, but nevertheless.
Living Arrangement – 4-bedroom house with 3 lil gals and 2 cats.
Most-admired trait – Admired? Hmmm. I'm nearly sickening with my positively glowingly positive attitude. (Yes, I said positively glowingly. )
Number of Sexual Partners – Lets see, Madonna, Anjelina, Sigourney, Angela... Hey, are we talking partners that are actually present during the sex act?
Overnight Hospital Stays – Not since the mid seventies.
Phobia - I'm a nut about getting messy stuff on my hands.
Quote – SoaP. (Snakes on a plane.)
Religion – Ah, religion. Nothing like killing and maiming and coercing and brainwashing in the name of a higher power! That being said, I'm a Christian who doesn't go to church. AKA Sinner, foul Hellbound fiend, hypocrite, etc.
Siblings – Oldest Bro (deceased). Two younger bros and a little sister.
Time I wake up – Weekdays: 5:45am. Weekends: Anywhere between 7 and 10AM. Depending on the amount of alchohol consumed the night before.
Unusual talent/skill – I'm unusually talented at being annoyed by pigeons and such.
Vegetable I refuse to eat - That list includes: Asparagus, Brussel Sprouts, Water Crestnuts and Peas. Now, there are legumes (is that a vegetable? I forget) like black eye peas that I will also not eat but only mention because I'm not sure if a bean is in the vegetable category.
Worst habit - Waiting until the last minute to do anything, regardless of importance.
X-rays – Sure, I use them all the time to look at women's bodies thru their clothes.
Yummy foods I make – Chicken enchiladas. Tip top, old chap!
Zodiac sign – Libra. Without which there would be no love in this cruel cruel cruel cruel (several more 'cruel's) world.
People I am tagging: Vikki... and GKL.. .. Besides, Melissa (who has threatened me with delisting), they are the only people I know who blog and also read my blog. Of course, 'know', in this case is relative, since I don't really know Vikki (cept as GKL's sister) nor Melissa (cept as this really funny Easterner whose blog cracks me up). But, fyi, GKL is one of my favorite people!
Great!! I love doing those (most days) !!
Accent – The thing about accents is that if you live in the place you grew up, you could have an accent and never know it. In my case, I've been back to Baltimore and the people there said I talked funny. Yes, and these are people who say 'are-ah' when referring to the letter 'R'.
Booze of choice – A nice red wine is dandy. When I'm clubbing, I drink bombay sapphire and tonic.
Chore I hate – I despise cooking.
Dog or Cat – I can tolerate either. I have two Bengals at home.
Essential electronics – My 'puter of course.
Favorite perfume(s)/cologne(s) – In my medicine cabinet I have JPG, Drakkar and Creed.
Gold or Silver? Jewerly isn't my bag, baby.
Hometown – Born in Port Sulphur, LA. Raised in Denver, Colorado.
Insomnia? – Sleeping is never an issue with me.
Job Title – Technical Proj/Prog Manager II.
Kids? – I have three daughters. 13, 10 and 7. The oldest isn't biologically mine, but nevertheless.
Living Arrangement – 4-bedroom house with 3 lil gals and 2 cats.
Most-admired trait – Admired? Hmmm. I'm nearly sickening with my positively glowingly positive attitude. (Yes, I said positively glowingly. )
Number of Sexual Partners – Lets see, Madonna, Anjelina, Sigourney, Angela... Hey, are we talking partners that are actually present during the sex act?
Overnight Hospital Stays – Not since the mid seventies.
Phobia - I'm a nut about getting messy stuff on my hands.
Quote – SoaP. (Snakes on a plane.)
Religion – Ah, religion. Nothing like killing and maiming and coercing and brainwashing in the name of a higher power! That being said, I'm a Christian who doesn't go to church. AKA Sinner, foul Hellbound fiend, hypocrite, etc.
Siblings – Oldest Bro (deceased). Two younger bros and a little sister.
Time I wake up – Weekdays: 5:45am. Weekends: Anywhere between 7 and 10AM. Depending on the amount of alchohol consumed the night before.
Unusual talent/skill – I'm unusually talented at being annoyed by pigeons and such.
Vegetable I refuse to eat - That list includes: Asparagus, Brussel Sprouts, Water Crestnuts and Peas. Now, there are legumes (is that a vegetable? I forget) like black eye peas that I will also not eat but only mention because I'm not sure if a bean is in the vegetable category.
Worst habit - Waiting until the last minute to do anything, regardless of importance.
X-rays – Sure, I use them all the time to look at women's bodies thru their clothes.
Yummy foods I make – Chicken enchiladas. Tip top, old chap!
Zodiac sign – Libra. Without which there would be no love in this cruel cruel cruel cruel (several more 'cruel's) world.
People I am tagging: Vikki... and GKL.. .. Besides, Melissa (who has threatened me with delisting), they are the only people I know who blog and also read my blog. Of course, 'know', in this case is relative, since I don't really know Vikki (cept as GKL's sister) nor Melissa (cept as this really funny Easterner whose blog cracks me up). But, fyi, GKL is one of my favorite people!
My excuse? The War on Terror
This thought came to me during some political newscast tease where Bush referred to the war on terror as the impetus for some action. (You want details? Details, shmetails, I say.)
I thought I would walk into my Boss' office and say, 'Listen, Fred, if we are going to defeat our enemies in the war on terror, its vital that I be able to work from Aruba. Now, you're either with the rest of America on this war on terror or you're some kind of anti-American terrorist sympathizer.'
For those of you who are married and are thinking about having an extramarital affair, you might consider this scenario: A man surprises his wife one afternoon as she is busily entertaining the milk man. The wife, without hesitating launches into an explanation. 'John, I know you are patriotic, so you'll understand me when I say that in order for us be vigilant in our war on terror, I need to have Henry here put his 'scud missle' into my "bomb bay door." You don't want us to lose the war on terror, now do you John?"
Yes, now that I think more on it, this War on Terror is going to require a lot of sacrifices from the masses in order for us to be triumphant.
"Ossifer, I un'stand my wrijtzs... The war on terror ... drunk..."
Officer: "Yes, I understand, you are driving drunk thru this mall as notice of your vigilance in the war on terror. Sir, I salute you!"
Seriously though, when I was a growing up, I had this classmate whose name was Terra. Now, Terra was a bit different from the other girls in that when we (we, being the boys) would tease her, she would not back down and on several occassions would deliver harsh consequences of a physical nature. Of course, we started calling her Terror. Little did we know that we would be creating one of our times biggest adversaries.
I thought I would walk into my Boss' office and say, 'Listen, Fred, if we are going to defeat our enemies in the war on terror, its vital that I be able to work from Aruba. Now, you're either with the rest of America on this war on terror or you're some kind of anti-American terrorist sympathizer.'
For those of you who are married and are thinking about having an extramarital affair, you might consider this scenario: A man surprises his wife one afternoon as she is busily entertaining the milk man. The wife, without hesitating launches into an explanation. 'John, I know you are patriotic, so you'll understand me when I say that in order for us be vigilant in our war on terror, I need to have Henry here put his 'scud missle' into my "bomb bay door." You don't want us to lose the war on terror, now do you John?"
Yes, now that I think more on it, this War on Terror is going to require a lot of sacrifices from the masses in order for us to be triumphant.
"Ossifer, I un'stand my wrijtzs... The war on terror ... drunk..."
Officer: "Yes, I understand, you are driving drunk thru this mall as notice of your vigilance in the war on terror. Sir, I salute you!"
Seriously though, when I was a growing up, I had this classmate whose name was Terra. Now, Terra was a bit different from the other girls in that when we (we, being the boys) would tease her, she would not back down and on several occassions would deliver harsh consequences of a physical nature. Of course, we started calling her Terror. Little did we know that we would be creating one of our times biggest adversaries.
Thursday, March 23, 2006
The war on pigeons
I have a pigeon problem. That being comprised of 1) I don't like pigeons and 2) Sensing this, pigeons have decided to settle upon and around my domecile.
I'm not sure what Burt's (Ernie allegedly gay puppet pal) deal was with pigeons, but now that I think back upon those Sesame Street episodes that had him interact with the flying vermin, I am sure that they caused me serious mental and emotional harm. That or it just freaks me out thinking about them.
Anyhow, since I really am a nice fellow, I don't wish the pigeons to die. (Well, except on those rare mornings when I can sleep in and am prevented from doing so by the irritating sound of A) Pigeons making pigeon nooky [which is surpringly loud. I guess I gotta give em props for gettin their freak on in a freaky manner] , B)Pigeons making that pigeon cooing noise for no bloody good reason other than to irritate normally sane and grounded men or C) The anticipation of A & B. .. on these occasions I would happily take the flame thrower from my trunk and.. well, you get the picture) So I have been investigating avenues for persuading them to congregate elsewhere.
These consist of:
1) Throwing snowballs at said pigeons. Pros: Vastly entertaining. You see what happens is that the pigeons are sitting on my chimney flue doing what pigeons do (annoying me to no end). I will, using the house itself to shield me from their view, spring up and lob a snow ball or two in their general direction. Course, I never hit them, but they do their startled pigeon yell and fly furiously around in a big circle and land on the house next door. Where they eye me with what I can only assume is pigeon disdain. At which point I just mime throwing something and they take off again to perch on some other poor souls manse (ok, maybe manse is exagerating a bit since, you know, I'm not in politics nor am I a lobbyist). Cons: We don't have snow year round (most years) and even in the winter, the snow is only around long enough to provide only a day or two of ammunition.
2) Buying a scary owl statue. Pros: Scares the pigeons away as they are snack sized treats for owls. Cons: I'd have to climb upon my roof and mount the fowl golemn (Oh, that is clever of me isn't it? Fowl golemn. Hehheh). I understand that after the pigeons realize that the owl is not only not looking at them, but is neither moving in their direction nor, as it turns out, breathing, they treat it as a new accessory to their pleasant living environs.
3) Can you say Pellet Gun? Pros: Would provide necessary target practice in preparation for an avian plot to take over the world. Cons: Don't really want to kill the little bastards. Plus, a young black man toting around a gun (real, pellets, bbs, water, doesn't matter) tends to set the neighbors on edge and I really have no desire to face down a swat team with a Christmas Story gat.
Still working on the best plan of assault. Luckily, we just had a major snowstorm on Monday. I better go take advantage of the munitions....
I'm not sure what Burt's (Ernie allegedly gay puppet pal) deal was with pigeons, but now that I think back upon those Sesame Street episodes that had him interact with the flying vermin, I am sure that they caused me serious mental and emotional harm. That or it just freaks me out thinking about them.
Anyhow, since I really am a nice fellow, I don't wish the pigeons to die. (Well, except on those rare mornings when I can sleep in and am prevented from doing so by the irritating sound of A) Pigeons making pigeon nooky [which is surpringly loud. I guess I gotta give em props for gettin their freak on in a freaky manner] , B)Pigeons making that pigeon cooing noise for no bloody good reason other than to irritate normally sane and grounded men or C) The anticipation of A & B. .. on these occasions I would happily take the flame thrower from my trunk and.. well, you get the picture) So I have been investigating avenues for persuading them to congregate elsewhere.
These consist of:
1) Throwing snowballs at said pigeons. Pros: Vastly entertaining. You see what happens is that the pigeons are sitting on my chimney flue doing what pigeons do (annoying me to no end). I will, using the house itself to shield me from their view, spring up and lob a snow ball or two in their general direction. Course, I never hit them, but they do their startled pigeon yell and fly furiously around in a big circle and land on the house next door. Where they eye me with what I can only assume is pigeon disdain. At which point I just mime throwing something and they take off again to perch on some other poor souls manse (ok, maybe manse is exagerating a bit since, you know, I'm not in politics nor am I a lobbyist). Cons: We don't have snow year round (most years) and even in the winter, the snow is only around long enough to provide only a day or two of ammunition.
2) Buying a scary owl statue. Pros: Scares the pigeons away as they are snack sized treats for owls. Cons: I'd have to climb upon my roof and mount the fowl golemn (Oh, that is clever of me isn't it? Fowl golemn. Hehheh). I understand that after the pigeons realize that the owl is not only not looking at them, but is neither moving in their direction nor, as it turns out, breathing, they treat it as a new accessory to their pleasant living environs.
3) Can you say Pellet Gun? Pros: Would provide necessary target practice in preparation for an avian plot to take over the world. Cons: Don't really want to kill the little bastards. Plus, a young black man toting around a gun (real, pellets, bbs, water, doesn't matter) tends to set the neighbors on edge and I really have no desire to face down a swat team with a Christmas Story gat.
Still working on the best plan of assault. Luckily, we just had a major snowstorm on Monday. I better go take advantage of the munitions....
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
Reply to all
This is the sort of thing that makes me laugh really loudly.
There was a huge meeting today at work that required the organization of a teleconference. The details of which were communicated by email to a large number of people, including myself. Once the meeting commenced, one individual replied to the meeting organizer that he was having trouble getting into the teleconference, however, he hit the "replied to all" option instead of the 'reply' option. Several seconds later, another person 'replied to all' stating that they too were having difficulties joining. Before this got too far out of hand, the organizer replied to everyone stating, that yes, they were working on the problem and that in the future, please do not 'reply to all' as it unnecessarily fills up peoples mailboxes. A minute or too passes and the organizer resends out the teleconference details with corrected information. Soon afterward, someone replies to all that they cannot hear whomever is talking on the bridge. To which the organizer replies (to everyone, mind you) in all caps 'PLEASE STOP REPLYING TO ALL'. Now, that got me chuckling, but then several seconds later, another reply to all from another guy (whose name is there for all to see) that said ......... 'Yeah.'
I nearly fell out of my chair.
There was a huge meeting today at work that required the organization of a teleconference. The details of which were communicated by email to a large number of people, including myself. Once the meeting commenced, one individual replied to the meeting organizer that he was having trouble getting into the teleconference, however, he hit the "replied to all" option instead of the 'reply' option. Several seconds later, another person 'replied to all' stating that they too were having difficulties joining. Before this got too far out of hand, the organizer replied to everyone stating, that yes, they were working on the problem and that in the future, please do not 'reply to all' as it unnecessarily fills up peoples mailboxes. A minute or too passes and the organizer resends out the teleconference details with corrected information. Soon afterward, someone replies to all that they cannot hear whomever is talking on the bridge. To which the organizer replies (to everyone, mind you) in all caps 'PLEASE STOP REPLYING TO ALL'. Now, that got me chuckling, but then several seconds later, another reply to all from another guy (whose name is there for all to see) that said ......... 'Yeah.'
I nearly fell out of my chair.
Monday, March 06, 2006
Kidman is hot, Witherspoon is not
I don't watch award shows, but I do like to get the summaries ... and I like to see what the hotties wear.. (I may have said this before).
On that note, here are my thoughts :
The Oscar Photos
Nicole Kidman is an elegant beauty. Reese Witherspoon is alien headed.
Kiera Knightley gave an example of someone who looks good in heavy eye makeup while Uma Thurman gave an example of someone who, you know, doesn't. Ditto Amy Adams.
Did Chalize Theron really wear a giant black ribbon in place of a gown?
Hilary Swank (pictured) gave the best example of the less is more in the makeup category. I was surprised at how hot she can be.
Queen Latifah is big and beautiful. Jada Pinkett is itty-bitty and beautiful.
Jessica Alba used to be hot. Now she is hardly there at all.
Jennifer Lopez looks good in green... And there appears to be more of her to look at.
Jennifer Anniston may still be affected by envious green.
I believe Terrence Howard will be taking Clint Eastwood's place as the next big time squinty actor guy.
Naomi Watts; hideous dress, beautiful smile.
I'm not sure who Michelle Williams is, but someone should have told her that garden squash is not an acceptable color for her. Or for anyone, really. But if you must wear a garden squash colored dress, shouldn't you not wear bright red lipstick? I mean, I don't know for sure, being, you know, a non make up wearer. Someone set me straight on that.
I didn't know the Bionic Man was still alive!!!! Wow! And he's not even psycho like his old flame Farah.
I'm not sure who Lisa Rinna is, but she is ripped. Hotness quotient off the scales. She gave the winning performance in the sultry looks category.
My 'Monet' category winner is going to have to be Samantha Harris. Wow, listen, if George Hamilton has taught us anything, its when to apply the less is more principle to tanning.
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