Weird

The other night, a night like most of my nights, a night, not unlike similar nights that I experience on a consistent basis, a night, which followed a day, that was uneventful and unremarkable in most every sense, except that this night, this totally unexciting, nearly unmentionable night, I was awoken at exactly 3AM. I know that it was 3AM because the thing that caused me to rise from the dead of sleep, to uncoil from the depths of slumber, to bolt from the dark embrace of the queen of dreams, was my cell phone, which also doubles as my method for discerning the correct time. You see, my cell phone rests conveniently on my bedside table, where I may grasp it at any point where the need to know the time overpowers the need to lay, comfy, and unmoving in my comfy and, er, unmoving bed. But this night, this night like most of my nights, a night, not unlike similar nights that I … hmm, this sounds familiar … Anyway, this night, I had no overpowering need to know the time, in fact, I had no overpowering need to do anything as I was fast asleep and, I suspect, enjoying a rousing dream that included the hot mom from the cheesy hit television program ‘Heroes’. I say suspect, as I rarely remember my dreams, however, I’m sure, as an entertaining person, it is safe to assume I was entertaining my subconscious while my body rested for another strenuous day of pounding the dickens out of a computer keyboard with my lithe and limber phalanges. But, I digress. As I was saying, I had no thought of the time, no thought indeed, as, again this is only a suspicion, I had just discovered the trick of inducing the ‘bad girl’ alter ego of the super hot mom from the surprisingly bad, yet good, television program ‘Heroes’, into a game of strip Yahtzee!!, when I was interrupted by a ‘BEEP’. Most of you don’t know this, but I’m a very light sleeper. I’m not sure why this is, but I can guess its due to my desire to be ready for any possibility to ‘fight or flight’ mostly inspired by my extreme distrust of the entire human race. At any rate, I was instantly awake and after a second to determine what exactly caused me to awaken right in the middle of an enticing and alluring disrobing by the way hot and super sexy mom from the ‘why can’t you just get to the point where all the powered people are actually beating up the bad guy’ television show, ‘Heroes’, I turned to my phone and picked it up. Peering at it, the following glowing merrily into my eyes: 3:0007. I thought a second as to why my phone made this particular noise, since, usually, a single ‘BEEP’ is associated with a LOW BATTERY problem. This seemed unlikely as the phone was plugged into the wall and fully charged. My second thought was of the movie ‘The Exorcism of Emily Rose’ and of the scene in which people who are persecuted by demons and devils are awoken at 3AM because, apparently, this is when the hordes of hell get hall passes from Satan and are free to walk the mortal realm and rifle thru our refrigerators. The third thought was, man, I hope I have milk in the morning.

Some Things I Do Not Get

1) Why is Dancing with the Stars covered on ESPN? Listen, Emmit (my girlfriend in college used to call Emmit Smith, Bubba. Amazingly, I thought it was cute and not extremely annoying) Smith may be the NFL’s all time leading rusher, but once you don the puffy shirt, pal, you don’t get to be covered by an all sports channel.
2) Why do people buy big metal scrotums and hang them from the trailer hitch on the back of their trucks? Have you seen this phenomenon? It amazes me that grownups think this is an acceptable car accessory.
3) Why is NBC’s Heroes ‘sweeping the country?’ Seriously, the show is poorly acted, has a cheese factor that is immeasurable, and accept for the hot mom who occasionally ‘goes bad’, has not one single interesting person. Yet, I can’t stop watching it! Speaking of TV, is Boston Legal utterly fascinating or is it just me? Current Top 5 TV programs:
a. Boston Legal
b. Studio 60 (for you, vikk)
c. Scrubs
d. House
e. Smallville
4) How can John Stewart’s fake news cast be more informative than real news? Ok, this on I do get, but I was running out of ‘things I don’t get’… that’s one of the problems with being uber smart.