You Bitch, You!

Last week (or so) after graciously holding the door for a co-worker who, equally as gracious, thanked me, I said ‘you betchya!’ After which, the co-worker, who just happened to be a woman, scurried on her way. Normally, a good scurrying is worth a chuckle or two, but on this occasion I was perplexed by the scurrying as pre-door opening, the scurrier (that is, one who scurries) was, and I remember this vividly, decidedly NOT scurrying.

How then, I asked myself, does a non-scurrier suddenly decide to scurry? I pondered this as I made my way back to my desk and, being an exceptional ponderer (not to be confused with a panderer. While I think deeply on a lot of occasions, I rarely act as a pimp), came to an alarming conclusion: I called her a bitch!

Which is to say, of course, I didn’t call her a bitch, but it is quite possible that what she heard when I said ‘you betchya!’ is ‘you bitch, you!’ which, may be cause for lots of scurrying, depending on your state of mind. For those of you (the thousands of my faithful readers) that may not know, I’m a bit of a low talker. I make up for the lack of volume whilst speaking, by sometimes (when I say sometimes I mean almost always) running my words together. This unfortunate combination often leads to one of the following: A) the phrase, ‘What are you saying’ B) blank stares and, now, apparently C) Normally non scurrying people suddenly scurrying for no reason, or rather, for hearing (possibly) ‘you bitch, you!’ instead of ‘you betchya!’

Consternated!!! (Not to be confused with constipated. While my bowels are working quite well, I am concerned that I inadvertently cursed an otherwise or presumably innocent person) I haven’t seen this particular co-worker since the (possibly misinterpreted) verbal assault, so I have not been able to validate exactly what was heard. In order to be safe and prevent a recurrence of this (presumed) situation, I’ve decided to drop the ‘you betchya!’ response from my discourse. Yep, ‘you betchya!’ has been banned. Sure, enunciating and speaking in an intelligible manner might be a better solution; however, at this point I like to think that barely audible mumbling has become part of my charm.

Ironically, today, after holding a door for a gym coed (whilst leaving the gym, of course), I remembered that I banned ‘you betcha!’ from my vocabulary right in the middle of delivering a ‘you betcha!’ (after receiving a thank you) causing me to cut it off in mid utterance, in effect, delivering a bitten off ‘you betch!’ Yeah, that sounds nothing like anything derogatory…