Memories of monsters

Growing up with three brothers, one older, wasn't always easy. Coming to any kind of consensus on, well, really, anything, was problematic to say the least. Now there did exist a kind of pecking order; that being my older brother pecked on me, I pecked on the third oldest, he in turn pecked on the youngest, who, not having any other alternative, continuously harassed the dog, or cat, or whatever smaller being he could corner (I think one of the reasons I enjoy Malcom in the Middle so much is due to similarities of the brothers relationships to my own). Of course, as expected, there often occurred a mutiny. On these many occasions, bloody mayhem and chaos was always the result. If you don't have siblings, let me paint a picture of what was often times the result of trying to over throw the status quo:

Picture yourself flat on your back, with your arms pinned under the knees of a large mass that is simultaneously perched on your chest and precariously dangling a gobblet of spittle over your thrashing head.

That, mi amigos, is a small defeat from a minor battle. Larger rebellions required squashing of a more devious and vicious quality, such as Indian burns, Nuclear wedgies, etc.

The two things that immediately signaled a truce were Monster Matinee and Kung Fu Theater, the high point of the televised glory days of pre-cable entertainment.

Monster Matinee featured such gems as Gamera, Destroy all Monsters, Son of Godzilla, Mecha-Godzilla and Mothra.

Kung Fu Theater introduced us to the glory of poorly dubbed Hong Kong productions like The Kid with the Golden Hand, Kung Fu vs. Karate, Drunken Master and The Five Deadly Venoms.

The start of any of these Saturday afternoon programs produced such a profound silence that many concerned adults would appear to make sure no child had inadvertently been killed, or, worse, knocked over a lamp.

I think I saw every monster film made in the 70s that featured a man in a rubber suit stomping around a miniaturized version of an Asian city as well as every hi-flying wire aided kung fu kick. Thus began the infatuation with monsters and martial arts.

Of course, once the truce was over, the mayhem resumed, only now it was enhanced as each of us assumed the guise of our favorite mighty hero (monsters after the Matinee or colorful martial arts character after Theater) to increase are damage potential.

Top Five Mega Monsters

1) Godzilla .. I think the worst Godzilla was the Americanized one that came out in '98, but he still rocked.
2) King Caesar. ... He looked like a cross between a lion and a Lopso Apso, only way bigger.
3) Jet Jaguar. .. ... Man sized robot who could increase his size to that of whatever needed its butt kicked.
4) Giant Praying Mantis .... I've seen two of these things (the miniaturized version, not the giant whale eating version) in the wild (aka, the front yard) and I got the distinct impression that each time the little bastard(s) was looking at me and thinking, "Yeah, I think I can take him."
5) Gigan ... This guy carried around his own personal table saw in his torso and had giant metal hooks instead of hands. Which really explains why he was a bad guy: not huggable.

Top Five Martial Arts Characters

1) Bruce Lee . .. Really, any character Bruce played was just referred to as Bruce Lee. In fact, if they had dubbed his character in each of his movies saying 'I'm Bruce Lee', I don't believe anyone would have batted an eye.
2) Golden Arm ... This guy was nearly impervious to all weapons.
3) Toad ... Also nearly impervious and, appropriately, played by the same actor that played Golden Arm
4) Any one who'd mastered the Preying Mantis technique . . . . Cuz, you know, once you emulate this, you can't help but think, "Yeah, I think I can take him."
5) Drunken Master ... This guy was so relaxed all the time that as you were fighting him, he'd be beating you whilst half asleep.