How not to make a delicious morning beverage

I usually stop at the local Jamba Juice on my way to work for a refreshing, energizing and nutritous smoothie. A few weeks ago, there was turnover in the morning crew. This has caused a change in the adherence to the stores posted hours, specifically making the opening time of 6:30 more or less overly ambitious or seen as an estimate, a loose goal, a nice to have, a rough target, a lofty aspiration, a pipe dream and/or a too grand objective.

Nothing irritates me more than driving up and seeing the store completely lifeless at twenty minutes after seven when the store's hours of operation sign specifically says 6:30 AM to 10 PM. (Well, actually, lots of things irritate me more; like that guy who races ahead and cuts me off so he's first in line at a stop light. Is this really a goal for people? To be first at the stop light? I sort of imagine him pumping his fist in victorious rapture as he screeches to a dramatic stop. Whatever, dude.)

So, since I don't really like unreliable things, I decided that I would make my own vitamin packed breakfast shake; and I would make it better. In preparation for this monumental undertaking, I did a little shopping. First on the list: Fresh fruit. I bought several containers of strawberries, raspberries, huckleberries, blueberries and dingleberries. Ok, no dingleberries, cuz that's kind of gross. Next was soy milk. Then honey. I didn't need bananas

(Luckily, I already had an overabundance of frozen bananas due to a habbit of throwing any of the overripe ones I have had in the past into the freezer. My thought was that one day I would learn to bake banana bread. In my freezer at home I have a half bushel of rock hard bananas, a half empty bag of shoe string fries (Orita!), a box of thin mints, a plastic container of white chocolate covered peanut butter thingies and a half gallon of very vanilla ice cream. Yes, I live the dream).

If you have ever been to a jamba juice you know about the 'boosts' they offer. Boosts, for the uneducated, are supplements that the store offers for a price. Things like soy protein, vitamins, minerals, naturally caffeinated berries, that sort of thing. Well, if I'm going to make my own smoothie, only better, I also will have boosts. But I'll call them goose. No, that is lame. I'll call them ... BOOSTS! Yeah, that's original.

Now, where do I find these BOOSTS? Why in the nutritional aisle at the local circle K of course! - If you don't know what a circle K is you must immediately go out and rent "Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure." - On second thought, I'll try the same aisle at my grocer. So I'm in there reading labels on giant tubs of 'Amino Aid' and 'Muscle Mass Master' and 'Protein Pro' and I'm thinking, wow, if only I had mastered alliteration earlier in my life I'd have made a mint in marketing (mint in marketing! wow! see what I mean!) I'm also thinking that I have no idea what this crap does. So I settle on Wheat Germ, Soy Protein and Brewers Yeast; yes, Brewers Yeast. You might be asking yourself, what good does brewers yeast yeald (sic)? (yeast yielding yellow yellers! That, my friend, is talent) Well, tell your self to read the label of a brewers yeast bottle and see the twenty thousand or so listed vitamins and minerals this junk is supposed to bring to the table.

Ok, I'm prepared. I come home, toss all the fruit into the freezer, so the bananas don't feel discriminated against, in preparation for my morning creating. Easy enough.

Here is what I used to get every morning at jamba:

Protein Berry Pizzaz! Which consisted of:

a few slices of frozen bananas
a couple of frozen strawberries
8 ounces of soy milk
Boosted with some protein and multivitamin. (not sure of the quantities, but it looked like a teaspoon of each)
Resulting in smooth tasty goodness.

Since I gotta make it better, here is what I put in my creation:

4 frozen strawberries
1 frozen banana (with peel. I figure if that kpax guy can eat it banana peels, so can I)
2 frozen raspberries
2 frozen huckleberries
8 frozen blueberries (man, this is going to be good!)
8 ounces, or so, of soy milk
Boosted with wheat germ, honey (raw and unfiltered), soy protein and brewers yeast. (As a measure, I read the nutritional label and used whatever amount came out to a serving, except for the honey, which I just used the 'well-that-looks-like-enough-rule.' Basically two tablespoons of wheat germ, a third cup of soy protein and two tablespoons of brewers yeast)

Resulting in a toxic, undrinkable coalescence. An egregious elixir of unknown odors, questionable appearance and eye raising viscidity. A brew so foul that the taste, I fear, will haunt me till the end of days. I like to call it "Death Yiest to No One!!"