hunters bug me

And here’s why.

First, it’s abundantly obvious to, like, EVERYONE, that we are the dominant species on the planet. Does anyone question that? We thrive in just about any environment. Other than disease, we have no natural enemies (outside of our own species) and if you say polar bears I’m gonna hurt you.

There really are two acceptable reasons to hunt:

1) You’re bloody starving and that bunny, while cute and fluffy, is gonna be a sheeshkabob or you’re gonna punch out to the long sleep.
2) The bloody animals are screwing like lemmings and their gonna all die from syphilis unless you cull them out a bit.

Now, I may be talked into a third reason of an insane animal creating havoc and needs to be put down, but even then I think it is dependent on the situation.

So, this guy and his boyfriends grab their high powered rifles, space-cold resilient parkas, self heating boots and hire a local to show them where they can off themselves a big white bear. Just to smile and have a photo op and maybe a big rug and show how ‘superior’ they are to nature. Huh? Why? Dude, I ain’t impressed.

You want to impress me? Here is how I’ll accept your hunting as proof of yer ‘mad nature’ skillz.

1) Get yerself a big knife or spear or make yerself a bow and arrow out of bones, dirt and a rabbit weenie.
2) Walk yerself into the backwoods of isolation where no one can here your sissy screams for help.
3) No, you can’t bring your hi-tech camping gear. Take a flint, ya pansy.
4) Now, whatever you can track down and kill with your limited tools will be the worth of your ‘mad nature’ skillz.

How ya making out with that polar bear now, eh, Tarzan?

And that is why Tarzan is the epitome of ‘mad nature’ skillz. Hey, sure, screwing monkeys may have been a knock on the old Lord of the Apes, but the kid could bring it, right? I mean, he was weaker than, well, everything but Timone and, maybe, Poomba, but that didn’t stop him from maxing out on the old ‘Jungle Cred.’

Tarzan wants a cat. What does Tarzan do? Gets himself a lion. A LION! The bloody King of the Jungle is his pet! Are you kidding me? That is mad skillz, my friend.

Tarzan wants a leisurely ride across the havanna and, you know what? Bro gets himself a real SUV; yah, an elephant.

And if any of those big time jungle cats thought they was ready for the throne, well, Tarzan didn’t have a high powered S&W, my brotha (I saw the Squid and the Whale recently. … Can I just say that, although the Baldwin’s are horrific actors, except for the oldest, they are always good for a chuckle) and he always came out on top! Yep, that’s right. Always. And he didn’t have an elephant gun. No, and no uzi, for the love of Heston. Dude just packed a knife.

You want to impress me, Bwana? Get yourself a knife next time you want to prove yer superiority.