Barbarian Invasions, Redux

A few days ago I told you about my encounter with a couple of guys fighting with big plastic recreations of swords and stuff. Since then, I’ve decided that I blew an opportunity for hilarity of an immeasurable proportion. Today, in the interest of my own amusement, I think I’ll describe the same encounter, however, I’ll add what I should have done and said at the time (this is sort of like when you come up with a witty response to someone’s off chance remark, only its three days later).

Lets see… where to begin…

…. The participants stopped flailing at each other when the shield guy managed to jab the deadly tip of his razor edged plastic sword into the midsection of the twin sword guy (you might assume there was some piercing scream or guttural soul stirring wail when this occurred, but you'd be wrong). They then parted and turned to a third person ( a woman no less, and hardly unattractive no less(er).) - I didn't notice this individual due to my understandable fixation on the titanic struggle - who appeared to be selecting from an assortment of plastic and menacing weapons laid out upon a blanket. We’re talking maces, flails, axes, hatchets, etc. Quite the assortment of Tupperware’s top armament line. I knew then what I had to do. I sprinted forward and proclaimed my presence by shouting ‘HALT! HALT, VILE VILLAINS!’ This, as I suspected, got the attention of the three and they all turned to face me, each with a surprised look. I slowed and stopped, oh, about 8 feet away and stood with my hands on my hips and my head held high.

‘I laugh loudly at your fighting skills’, I said to them quietly. The woman, who was now holding a formidable looking two handed axe, replied firmly, ‘Whah?’

I responded by crossing my arms and assuming what I hoped was a haughty expression, ‘I challenge each of you to a duel, I say mildly’ I yelled at the top of my voice.

This seemed to take them aback, as they each took a step backward. The fellow with the two swords looked at his companions and bravely said, ‘Uh..’

Dramatically putting my right foot forward, returning my hands to my hips, I turned my head - guessing this would present them with a heroic profile - and responded in a loud sott0 voce (maybe ‘faux sotto voce’ would be more appropriate) ‘I am Grendel Duquesne, I proclaim loudly, and I am the ruler of all you see before you.’ They blinked at each other. ‘You are trespassers, I say in a loud whisper’ I add, now shouting again.

The woman then said something under her voice, I could be mistaken, but I’m sure it was ‘freak’. The two guys looked at each other (again, come to think of it, they looked at each other a lot. Do you think they might have a man crush?) and the one with the shield said, ‘Dude, are you for real? And why are you talking like that?’

Looking disinterested, I feigned studying the nails of my left hand and responded by saying ‘Like what, I say puzzlement clearly noted in my voice’. I then turned my back completely to the trio, and turned to look at them over my shoulder and said calmly, ‘Think not to turn aside my ire, I yell brashly, for in this I will not be, um, turned aside’.

At this, the guy with the two swords said ‘Oh Lord! Fine, I’ll fight you. You’re giving me a headache with your double talk and your ridiculous posturing.’

At this I turned to face them once again, smiling grimly (I think it was grimly. At this point, I was having trouble keeping from laughing uproariously) and said in a squeaky cartoonish voice, ‘Fine, I say menacingly, you shall be the first to fall to Grendel Duquesne.’ And then I added, in my normal voice, with an imploring look on my face and both of my hands now raised in front of me as if encouraging a loud and raucous crowd, ‘Do you think yon wench will let me the use of her mighty weapon, I implore softly?’

The woman then tossed me her axe, which I fumbled clownishly until I could count to ten silently in my head, and then, as if I finally got the feel of it, I gripped it in two hands and murmured, loudly enough to be heard, ‘Yes, I say to myself in my head, all shall fall before me with this, this Axe of Evil.’ Then, a little louder I said ‘if only there were another, then, then I would wield the Axe’s of Evil’. And then I laughed, because I couldn’t resist.

By then, the shield guy and the woman had backed away and the guy with the two swords was watching me with a sort of trapped expression on his face.

Then he said, ‘Ok, er, Grendel, here are the rules’. However, he didn’t finish because as he said ‘Grendel’ I had launched myself at him, with the axe raised above my head shouting ‘THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE! THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE’, surprising even myself.

Before I could bash him, though, he sidestepped and whacked me once in the chest with one sword and once in the back with the other. I reacted to this by dropping the axe and flinging myself to the ground. Then I kicked and writhed and thrashed and groaned for a full count of fifteen.

Then I looked up to see the three gathering there stuff and proclaimed ‘To the last, I will grapple with thee.’ Then I coughed and thrashed a bit more. When I looked again, the three were walking away.

So, I got up and ran toward them and threw myself on the ground behind them and thrashed some more and then yelled ‘From hell's heart, I stab at thee. For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee.’ And then I groaned aloud and stopped moving. I watched the three walk to a car, load there stuff and drive away. Once they were gone, I laughed until my stomach hurt.